footsteps in the stair well
drums up the wave
before it crashes
don't inhale
or you won't be able to breath
heart is racing
from new beginnings
asking questions
about reading and writing
am I the right one to answer
saturated
never thought a classroom's
needs could be bigger
then my faults and idiosyncracies
I do my best to keep a float
Today the wave is too great
and I surrender in two hours
wonder if their heat is on during this
cold wet spring day
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
jounral entry 3/26/11
There were two young women looking for something in one of there cars. One was very upset using double negatives and telling her firend how much she hates her life. I hoped it wasn't just a cell phone that made her that upset. Maybe an engagement ring or something.
There are two asian men moving out of there apartment. They have a U-haul. I wonder why they didn't hire movers. I think they are moving out then again I haven't seen them before.
Two Indian men looked at the model apartment under me. The good looking blonde that works in the leasing office showed them.
She knows my name but I don't know her name.
I took out the trash, and cleaned out Malcolm's box.
It is a cool day that requires a hoody and long pants.The weather man said something about snow today, but it isn't cold enough.
Yesterday, I talked with my neighbor from West Virginia.
She asked, "What happened to spring?"
I was on my balcony with my tobargan and leather coat, smoking a cigarette. She was taking out her trash.
I told her about the wintery mix, and she told me she heard about that.
Dad said March is often like this. I guess the weather fluctuates.
Last night we were at the Pour House watching Richmond lose to Kansas by 20 points. Vcu, I found out this morning, beat Florida state.
No real plans today. It is Saturday.
Dad stayed up late last night to watch the vcu game. He ran some arans this morning, but now he is taking a nap.
The boss is playing on my stereo, but I am not really listening. I have trouble believing that a rock star can sing so much about the comman man. I wonder how does he get his material. Either way it is still on.
Life is good. I often joke about writing a best selling book. Truth is I have pleanty of money with my military disability and early social security. I am comfortable.
Several of my friends are buying houses and are getting married. I am not looking for a relationship, and I am satisfied in my apartment. It is just Malcolm and me-two cool dudes.
There are two asian men moving out of there apartment. They have a U-haul. I wonder why they didn't hire movers. I think they are moving out then again I haven't seen them before.
Two Indian men looked at the model apartment under me. The good looking blonde that works in the leasing office showed them.
She knows my name but I don't know her name.
I took out the trash, and cleaned out Malcolm's box.
It is a cool day that requires a hoody and long pants.The weather man said something about snow today, but it isn't cold enough.
Yesterday, I talked with my neighbor from West Virginia.
She asked, "What happened to spring?"
I was on my balcony with my tobargan and leather coat, smoking a cigarette. She was taking out her trash.
I told her about the wintery mix, and she told me she heard about that.
Dad said March is often like this. I guess the weather fluctuates.
Last night we were at the Pour House watching Richmond lose to Kansas by 20 points. Vcu, I found out this morning, beat Florida state.
No real plans today. It is Saturday.
Dad stayed up late last night to watch the vcu game. He ran some arans this morning, but now he is taking a nap.
The boss is playing on my stereo, but I am not really listening. I have trouble believing that a rock star can sing so much about the comman man. I wonder how does he get his material. Either way it is still on.
Life is good. I often joke about writing a best selling book. Truth is I have pleanty of money with my military disability and early social security. I am comfortable.
Several of my friends are buying houses and are getting married. I am not looking for a relationship, and I am satisfied in my apartment. It is just Malcolm and me-two cool dudes.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
THUNDER STORMS
eye in the cloud overhead
a dark cloud
sign of rain
thunder storm configoration
in early spring
winds going as fast
as cars on 64
traffic standstill
predestrians move quicker
sun hidden
THEN IT HITS
a crashing kettle drum
followed by seconds worth of light
scaring children
raging war
on what we take for gran it
weather man warns
rain starts as a caress
then moves to punching
windshields
FEAR
of not seeing objects infront
HOPE
I get home
falling out of love
beginning with a thunderous
infatuation
splitting us up in the comforts
of another home
not yet a comfort zone
the rain drenches us like being baptized
individuals of a family
under the clouds, rain, and thundering
beats of hearts
separated by hours
not whole
a dark cloud
sign of rain
thunder storm configoration
in early spring
winds going as fast
as cars on 64
traffic standstill
predestrians move quicker
sun hidden
THEN IT HITS
a crashing kettle drum
followed by seconds worth of light
scaring children
raging war
on what we take for gran it
weather man warns
rain starts as a caress
then moves to punching
windshields
FEAR
of not seeing objects infront
HOPE
I get home
falling out of love
beginning with a thunderous
infatuation
splitting us up in the comforts
of another home
not yet a comfort zone
the rain drenches us like being baptized
individuals of a family
under the clouds, rain, and thundering
beats of hearts
separated by hours
not whole
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Area 10 faith community- apart of my book really need an editor
Area 10 Faith Community
I know that doing bad things is usually the easy way and in most cases it is more fun. The stereotype of the army you would think wouldn’t be associate with bad things, but in my experiences it is.
The army was corrupt. As a private I tried to fix this, but I was hearing voices and I had delusions. Two things however are concrete. The hazing I experience was illegal. I have already discuss this. Another was another private I came in with sold drugs. Marijuana in fact, he was smoking with the platoon sergeant. I know this because he told me. He also asked if I wanted to sell with him. I decline this request.
I haven’t always been a good guy. I have experimented with drugs and did other unlawful things. Why was I suddenly good? I remember I wrote a letter to a leutanent who was the frst one in charge of the commissioned officers chain of command. As in I jumped over several heads to get to it, and I was only a private. When I knocked on the door of the office of this leutanent he acted like I was wasting his time. He even said, “What is the meaning of this?” Who was there to stop me from explaining myself the same platoon sergrent who was smoking pot.
The other things may have been delusions or maybe they did happen but they were so severe I doubted rather or not they happen because of my mental state.
This was no job for a private to improve conditions. When I got out I was angry and bitter. I wrote a letter to a representive in my area about what I experience or thought I experience. Nothing was found. Looking back on the letter I am sure it was poorly written because of my mental state.
Remember when I said I wanted to have a court case against the army that thinking subsided when my first veterans check came through. I was tired of fighting in more ways then one.
One thing remained I had promise Jesus that I was going to go to church. I questioned however rather or not that was the real Jesus or rather not my mind created him. I wasn’t looking for one I wasn’t waking up early on Sunday to find a church. I found mine in a bar of all places.
I went to bars to escape the boredom of my apartment. At this particular bar I might have set down beside an angel on earth. He had been in the navy and apparently said he was discharge for anger issues or so he said.
His name was Andy. He had quit smoking and he also received a letter from a general or some high rank in the navy that helped him get an honorable discharge and his benefits.
Since church was on my mind that night I decided to bring it up. For some reason I thought I could ask him anything even though he was for the most part a total stranger. I asked about church. How I wanted to go but haven’t been looking.
The church I grew up in was in Roanoke. I didn’t like going. The pastor would speak politics at the pulpit as in anti-gay and pro-life. While his wife had cancer he had an affair. I thought this guy was the last guy who should be telling me how I should live my life.
Andy told me about Area 10 Faith Community. It was at the Bryd movie theatre in Carytown. He told me how good the music sound because he sold that kind of equipment and said they had the top of the line. He also said how great the pastor was and how he and the pastor were friends. I concluded I was going to go.
Andy knew all about my mental illness and he said he was going to send an email to the pastor about me. I didn’t have a problem with that. In fact I felt like I was getting better every day. Andy eventually left leaving me glad to have found a church.
We talked shop for most of the night. I was hoping he would become a bar buddy but I never saw him again.
Church on Sunday started at 10 am. I woke up at 8am so I would have pleanty of time to drink coffee and ease in to my day. I showed up and some friendly faces said Hi and gave me a card to fill out. I found a seat and filled out the card.
The service began with the music. It sound like alternative which I liked. I didn’t sing however because I diagnosed myself as being tone death. I just read the words which was on a screen.
When the pastor came up he looked like he could be my age maybe a little older. He put God’s words in lamen terms as in anybody could understand. I enjoyed it tremendously. After the sermon we had communion just about everyone stood up and walked in line to get their piece of bread with some grape juice. I decide to leave.
Hearing the sermon put in what I thought were cliff notes made me think in generalities. There is a controversy with the beginning of time. Maybe God dumbed it down so we could understand it. Maybe the big bang theory did happen but God did it. Evolution? God got the ball rolling. Science discuss these thing but I guess science doesn’t know actually how they happened. God is the answer in more ways then one.
I know that doing bad things is usually the easy way and in most cases it is more fun. The stereotype of the army you would think wouldn’t be associate with bad things, but in my experiences it is.
The army was corrupt. As a private I tried to fix this, but I was hearing voices and I had delusions. Two things however are concrete. The hazing I experience was illegal. I have already discuss this. Another was another private I came in with sold drugs. Marijuana in fact, he was smoking with the platoon sergeant. I know this because he told me. He also asked if I wanted to sell with him. I decline this request.
I haven’t always been a good guy. I have experimented with drugs and did other unlawful things. Why was I suddenly good? I remember I wrote a letter to a leutanent who was the frst one in charge of the commissioned officers chain of command. As in I jumped over several heads to get to it, and I was only a private. When I knocked on the door of the office of this leutanent he acted like I was wasting his time. He even said, “What is the meaning of this?” Who was there to stop me from explaining myself the same platoon sergrent who was smoking pot.
The other things may have been delusions or maybe they did happen but they were so severe I doubted rather or not they happen because of my mental state.
This was no job for a private to improve conditions. When I got out I was angry and bitter. I wrote a letter to a representive in my area about what I experience or thought I experience. Nothing was found. Looking back on the letter I am sure it was poorly written because of my mental state.
Remember when I said I wanted to have a court case against the army that thinking subsided when my first veterans check came through. I was tired of fighting in more ways then one.
One thing remained I had promise Jesus that I was going to go to church. I questioned however rather or not that was the real Jesus or rather not my mind created him. I wasn’t looking for one I wasn’t waking up early on Sunday to find a church. I found mine in a bar of all places.
I went to bars to escape the boredom of my apartment. At this particular bar I might have set down beside an angel on earth. He had been in the navy and apparently said he was discharge for anger issues or so he said.
His name was Andy. He had quit smoking and he also received a letter from a general or some high rank in the navy that helped him get an honorable discharge and his benefits.
Since church was on my mind that night I decided to bring it up. For some reason I thought I could ask him anything even though he was for the most part a total stranger. I asked about church. How I wanted to go but haven’t been looking.
The church I grew up in was in Roanoke. I didn’t like going. The pastor would speak politics at the pulpit as in anti-gay and pro-life. While his wife had cancer he had an affair. I thought this guy was the last guy who should be telling me how I should live my life.
Andy told me about Area 10 Faith Community. It was at the Bryd movie theatre in Carytown. He told me how good the music sound because he sold that kind of equipment and said they had the top of the line. He also said how great the pastor was and how he and the pastor were friends. I concluded I was going to go.
Andy knew all about my mental illness and he said he was going to send an email to the pastor about me. I didn’t have a problem with that. In fact I felt like I was getting better every day. Andy eventually left leaving me glad to have found a church.
We talked shop for most of the night. I was hoping he would become a bar buddy but I never saw him again.
Church on Sunday started at 10 am. I woke up at 8am so I would have pleanty of time to drink coffee and ease in to my day. I showed up and some friendly faces said Hi and gave me a card to fill out. I found a seat and filled out the card.
The service began with the music. It sound like alternative which I liked. I didn’t sing however because I diagnosed myself as being tone death. I just read the words which was on a screen.
When the pastor came up he looked like he could be my age maybe a little older. He put God’s words in lamen terms as in anybody could understand. I enjoyed it tremendously. After the sermon we had communion just about everyone stood up and walked in line to get their piece of bread with some grape juice. I decide to leave.
Hearing the sermon put in what I thought were cliff notes made me think in generalities. There is a controversy with the beginning of time. Maybe God dumbed it down so we could understand it. Maybe the big bang theory did happen but God did it. Evolution? God got the ball rolling. Science discuss these thing but I guess science doesn’t know actually how they happened. God is the answer in more ways then one.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Trying to write a descent poem
Don't leave me
don't apologise
understand me
never leave me alone
can't write the descent poem
tired of my own story
just ramble on
with an explaination slur
cut me off let me sing and dance
won't hear the words
there be just a t the tip of my tongue
unsed by a lover
reluctant to introduce my faults
in the one bed room kingdom
a pen shreik of contentment
when inspiration is flooding the gates
creating a state of emergency
There are no NAtional guard
Live breathe and speak
under the waves
that come in cycles
and leaves for a toddlers dream
and my future unwritten on an island
of libations
pleanty of heat
and money to pay the rent
I could go on but
you would leave me alone
don't apologise
understand me
never leave me alone
can't write the descent poem
tired of my own story
just ramble on
with an explaination slur
cut me off let me sing and dance
won't hear the words
there be just a t the tip of my tongue
unsed by a lover
reluctant to introduce my faults
in the one bed room kingdom
a pen shreik of contentment
when inspiration is flooding the gates
creating a state of emergency
There are no NAtional guard
Live breathe and speak
under the waves
that come in cycles
and leaves for a toddlers dream
and my future unwritten on an island
of libations
pleanty of heat
and money to pay the rent
I could go on but
you would leave me alone
Monday, January 17, 2011
D.C. on a whim (ramblings)
Went to D.C. with my dad saw alot of stuff. I am still inspired by the art in the art musicisum. We saw a da Vinci which was the only one in the western hemisphere. I am still now so inspired so I thought of I could do.
The only thing I can do with art is stick figures like the once you see on street sighns. I also have a military influence which is something I can't ignore.
My miliarty experence can be summed up in failure although I did get an honorable discharge.
I was thinking using incomplete stick figures like the once you see on street sighns but making them incomlete maybe adding a m240 machine gun to a stick figure crossing the street without hands pr maybe arms.
I have a soldiers manuel I got in the army. Soldiers manuels were handed out at each duty station. I am inspired to look at it again to see if I can express it in a sketch pad.
I have a sketch pad but I am a affraid I might mess it up.
Anyway I do have a self published book out. I think if I write another book I would have to have a co-writer. This goes for more visisble art as well. I need someone to help me with my ispiration from the art musemum I saw in D.C.
If you are interested go to my profile and email me.
like I said before this is just ramblings.
The only thing I can do with art is stick figures like the once you see on street sighns. I also have a military influence which is something I can't ignore.
My miliarty experence can be summed up in failure although I did get an honorable discharge.
I was thinking using incomplete stick figures like the once you see on street sighns but making them incomlete maybe adding a m240 machine gun to a stick figure crossing the street without hands pr maybe arms.
I have a soldiers manuel I got in the army. Soldiers manuels were handed out at each duty station. I am inspired to look at it again to see if I can express it in a sketch pad.
I have a sketch pad but I am a affraid I might mess it up.
Anyway I do have a self published book out. I think if I write another book I would have to have a co-writer. This goes for more visisble art as well. I need someone to help me with my ispiration from the art musemum I saw in D.C.
If you are interested go to my profile and email me.
like I said before this is just ramblings.
Monday, January 3, 2011
1/3/11 journal entry
Bought the newest Weezer album, and it kind of hurt. Reminds me back when I was reckless- a candle burning at both ends. How did I come out of that alive? How did I come out of that without a criminal record? 30 mature and stable as much as as person suffering from a mental illness can be.
Was I crazy then?
Now finacially stable and happy. Loving the taste of alone on my chapped lips. Enjoying the taste of lonliness with no drama at my finger tips with dirty finger nails.
Don't feel lost at home in the heat, hoody on, with comfortable shoes, leather furniture-brand new, with stainless stell appliances paying extra for the perks like the fireplace I don't use.
Why would I want to share this with anyone, when I hadn't had it for very long?
Was I crazy then?
Now finacially stable and happy. Loving the taste of alone on my chapped lips. Enjoying the taste of lonliness with no drama at my finger tips with dirty finger nails.
Don't feel lost at home in the heat, hoody on, with comfortable shoes, leather furniture-brand new, with stainless stell appliances paying extra for the perks like the fireplace I don't use.
Why would I want to share this with anyone, when I hadn't had it for very long?
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