Had an attack today. I had these more often when it was earlier in recovery. They are usually old images or visions that were not suppose to be in my head attacking my brain. My heart usually feels like a car about to run out of gas. I have hot sweats, not dripping off my forehead, but enough for it to be moist.
I didn't go to therapy today, because of the rain. I hate driving in the rain. My therapist understood, and we had a short session over the phone.
Afterwards while I was smoking and drinking my coffee was when I had the attack.
The attacks (that don't happen as often anymore) is one of several reasons that make me less dependable for jobs and relationships.
Yesterday, my dad gave me back my uniforms:BDU's and class A's. I felt some pride even though in a veteran's pissing contest, I usually lose. I would be the first to say I didn't experience shit. Yet here I am on disability.
During basic training and advance, I think my head was in the game. The since of community one feels in basic can't be explained. Then after when you feel like you made some firends, you are shipped off to your first duty station where you get more freedom, but you find things are separated when you bring out the boos, and the video games. Kind of makes you wonder about freedom.
In basic during rifle maintenance, I wanted to be a sniper. I figured they were alone which was what I was feeling, but they were productive. Why I thought I could be one is beyond me. I didn't grow up around guns which would have helped. I was in a family of eduactors and counselors.
After failing the test for rifle maintenance ,it took me two times to finally pass it. Some soldiers didn't though so they would have to be recycled and do the training all over again.
It is raining hard now.
I remember in basic when we were picking our duty stations there was a stryker brigade that was deploying. I had seen the stryker on tv. It was a huge tank on fat wheels. The Abrahms could go 67 mph. A Stryker could go faster but it can tip over easily, because it is top heavy.
I think I told them I was interested. I sat down to sign the line, and suddenly I thought of family, firends, and people I met along the way. I honestly got scared. I think it was the first time I got scared in the army. I really beat myself up afterwards. I felt like a failure so I didn't sign. I decided to go to Fort Irwin.
Fort Irwin is in the MOjave desert. This will seem contradictory but when I first arrrived Ifelt a since of a let down. I was trained to go to war, and I wished I signed up for the stryker brigade.
At FOrt Irwin you have alot of time on your hands. Some guys smoked pot and sold drugs, there was hazing, and some guys went to the shitsty known as Barstowe and got tattoos. I got a tattoo and drank alot.
HOw would we grow without experiences like this? Gran it I am glad I am out of the army but I value those times. People in my life will never understand why I reflect on them but without them I wouldn't be the man I am today. Today I am thankful and feel very blessed. Today I am alive as you are and feel like everyday is a blessing. It has stopped raining now so I feel the need to be productive. In the words of Loyd Dobbler from Say Anything, "The rain is a baptism." Aren't we lucky to have the chance to wash away our past endeaveors.
I didn't go to therapy today, because of the rain. I hate driving in the rain. My therapist understood, and we had a short session over the phone.
Afterwards while I was smoking and drinking my coffee was when I had the attack.
The attacks (that don't happen as often anymore) is one of several reasons that make me less dependable for jobs and relationships.
Yesterday, my dad gave me back my uniforms:BDU's and class A's. I felt some pride even though in a veteran's pissing contest, I usually lose. I would be the first to say I didn't experience shit. Yet here I am on disability.
During basic training and advance, I think my head was in the game. The since of community one feels in basic can't be explained. Then after when you feel like you made some firends, you are shipped off to your first duty station where you get more freedom, but you find things are separated when you bring out the boos, and the video games. Kind of makes you wonder about freedom.
In basic during rifle maintenance, I wanted to be a sniper. I figured they were alone which was what I was feeling, but they were productive. Why I thought I could be one is beyond me. I didn't grow up around guns which would have helped. I was in a family of eduactors and counselors.
After failing the test for rifle maintenance ,it took me two times to finally pass it. Some soldiers didn't though so they would have to be recycled and do the training all over again.
It is raining hard now.
I remember in basic when we were picking our duty stations there was a stryker brigade that was deploying. I had seen the stryker on tv. It was a huge tank on fat wheels. The Abrahms could go 67 mph. A Stryker could go faster but it can tip over easily, because it is top heavy.
I think I told them I was interested. I sat down to sign the line, and suddenly I thought of family, firends, and people I met along the way. I honestly got scared. I think it was the first time I got scared in the army. I really beat myself up afterwards. I felt like a failure so I didn't sign. I decided to go to Fort Irwin.
Fort Irwin is in the MOjave desert. This will seem contradictory but when I first arrrived Ifelt a since of a let down. I was trained to go to war, and I wished I signed up for the stryker brigade.
At FOrt Irwin you have alot of time on your hands. Some guys smoked pot and sold drugs, there was hazing, and some guys went to the shitsty known as Barstowe and got tattoos. I got a tattoo and drank alot.
HOw would we grow without experiences like this? Gran it I am glad I am out of the army but I value those times. People in my life will never understand why I reflect on them but without them I wouldn't be the man I am today. Today I am thankful and feel very blessed. Today I am alive as you are and feel like everyday is a blessing. It has stopped raining now so I feel the need to be productive. In the words of Loyd Dobbler from Say Anything, "The rain is a baptism." Aren't we lucky to have the chance to wash away our past endeaveors.
No comments:
Post a Comment