Witnessing History

Maybe you find it annoying that I try to look on both sides, but here I go again.
Monday night I was drinking at a neighborhood bar with some firends and neighbors. After awhile some started to leave and since they were sitting in the middle I decided to scoot down. I met a vet. A vet who had been to war. He told me he was blown up several times. He even said he had a knee replacement. This vet had a smile on his face and he was living with post traumatic stress. I hope I see him again.
The reason I brought him up was because of his two tattoos on the inside of his arms. The tattoos said, "Life is a gift, not a right." Can you argue with him?
Now the health care law was upheld to day. I heard it of facebook and then I turned on NPR. The next couple of months will be a fight.
I honestly was looking for passion from the republican side. Maybe Mitt Romney banging on the podium inspiring his supporters. I am not inspired by Romney.
I don't care that he was born with a silver spoon up his ass. I don't care that I will never be as well off as him.
I ran out of fingers at the amount of times he mispoke during the republican primaries. Some of you are saying Obama mispoke (what was it two weeks ago) about the private sector.
They both need to meet the vet. Yes during there campiagn they've met people with different needs and different insights. THey've met Americans who in the darkness of the economy. Still Romeny will outsource jobs and we will hear more news about Obama spending tax payers money on eviromental business they fail in no time at all.
One thing we can agree on is how all politicans are pampered and the ridiculous benefits they receive. Here we are in debt meanwhile everyone in congress are spoiled. And if there is a revolution, peaceful of course, corporations will do there best to cash in.
What can we do as Americans for our country? Redispute the power of government? I can probably go on but the main question is how. HOW can we better our lives?  I personally am very blessed but for others scapping by what can we do?

Mazzy Star- Good looking girls with cigarettes

This was in high school, and probably about the time when I started smoking cigarettes. I wasn't quite 16 yet so I couldn't drive myself to school, and I was getting tired of riding the bus. One day I was fed up so I deicided to walk through the senoir parking lot to try to bum a ride. My brother had already graduated so I couldn't depend on him.
I asked several people but they said No or their ride was full. HOwever, she was there with her beat up toyota.
She hesitated at first. She was probably the best looking girl in school so guys were always around her. I noticed her in a crowd before and she was usually quiet.
She hesitated because I was an under classman, and I wasn't in her group of friends.
She said yes eventaully.
She had a cassete tape player and we listened to Mazzy Star. She also had a pack of Malboro Lights. We smoked, and I checked out her legs and her lips as she took a drag from her cigarette.
It got to the point where she always took me home. In fact, it got to the point that I was only showing up to school to go home with her.
We would get in her car, and she would ask what do you want to listen to? I would always answer, "Mazzy Star."
In school, a dance was coming up. I don't know if it was Homecoming or Prom. I had gone home with her enough that outside the crowd she considered me a firend. I think that was the case.
One day she was taking me home, and she almost asked. It was on the tip of her lips besides that cigarette but she hesitated and never finished the question that I wanted to desparatly to say yes to.
She ended up going with some idiot she could have fun with. Meanwhile I was to scared, I couldn't buy Mazzy Star, because I didn't want to be a woose infront of my friends. At 16 I started driving and buying my own packs of cigarettes.
Now it is my tenth day without a cigarette and I can't help but have this theory. Boys start smoking because of good looking girls. Just another reason to blame women. 

6/26/12

My brain is floating
in between my ears
from the cool breeze after
my injection
randomly chose
the downtown express way
to get back home
single lane ramps connected
like a spider web
under contruction
Lanes for EZ Pass and cash, split
and I've never been this way before
not as congested as I 95 NOrth
stay in the right lane so cars can pass
but I am going faster then they are
Have to keep going
follow the signs to 64 west
finally made it home
with constant prayers
a day after the storm
9th day without a cigarette

6/25/12

Lightening down from the sky, as straight as lightening can be. Rain drenching the windshield, and dark cluds thundering like Kamcazees.
Hadn't smoked in 8 days. Doctor told me according to heroin addicts, quitting smoking is the hardest thing they ever had to do.
traffic slowed down driving on 95 north
the sky opened up to blue in the westend
HOwever, some stop lights were out, hanging in the breeze
back home turned on the radio to hear the news
tornados and 60 mph wind
luckily the lights were on
with decaf coffee conspiracy theories

Jazz on Pandora

Idealy you should listen to jazz on vinyl but for now it is pandora. Pandora shows the album covers. There were two right next to each other the caught my eye. One was Art Blakey's album Moanin' the other was JOhn Coltrane the prestige recordings.
I own Moanin' but the cd skips. In the cover he is wearing a bow tie, and he is looking off in the distance. There a slight since of sadness there maybe it is the road and the smoke filled clubs he usually plays in.
One the cover of the JOhn Coltrane album, he is in deep thought with his hand touching his face. He is questioning his ability like we all do. It is hard for me to imagine that because I think Mr. Coltrane is a genious.
MUsic. When you question your own ability and you think your not good enough yet people keep showing up at your shows. Musicans shouldn't settle. I think good musicans just want to be heard. Fame. Have you even notice when it(music) is all you have as in you breathe it, you excrete it, and you wash with it that is when it is at your best. Is success a bad thing when comes to art? If you are getting anything from this paragraph, you should get that you are doing it for yourself and you should do it as long as you can.
I am not a musician but I respect the hell out of you. Recently a friend on facebook put an article on there saying something or complaining about starting out. My friend is awesome. He commented in favor of his love for music which in tells sleeping on floors, not getting paid, and other things that isn't to glamoraous.
Art Blakey and JOhn Coltrane made it and people still are inspired by their music today. IN their eyes is still the struggle. Do there eyes say, am I doing all I can?
If you are not a musican like I am, make sure you a working to be the best. Whatever it is. I'm going to change the subject but some doctors at V.A. have that stare maybe overwhelmed, stressed out yet still a fight in their eyes witha side of crazy. I urge all artist and employees not to settle. We need you to make this country great. Strife to be great even if no one is paying attention.

the rain 6/21/12

As the rain comes falling down, you can hear the piddle paddle on the ashphalt. What is it telling you after days in the tripple digits. I think it says things eventaually fit into place. It says, "I will cool you down." Today after the rain it was muggy, and swet rolled off you brow with just a step outside. Don't get me wrong I like my sunny days, especially in the spring but rain is a miracle. Not to mention a good cooling thunderstorm can relax you with a little cool jazz. I am wishing for a thunderstorm, one to make one stay in with the once close or maybe one to make people walk carefully onto curbs while they get wet. I pray for lightening and thunder. I want to be drenched. Why rush when you are in a storm? I say get wet and store it up because this summer may bring drought. Now the plants and trees glisten from the raindrops that fell. The cars in the parking lot are starting to dry. It is still cloudy. I wait for the rain again to saturate us with the spirit. Let it remind us of being young and playful.

Response to sermon

It is amazing what you one's thought was important isn't as important anymore. It is also amazing that sometimes I hear a sermon, message, or news story and that makes all the difference. Last weeks sermon talked about how your faith or belief in God can end badly.  afew thoughts popped into my mind when I heard this: one was my mental illness. Was that the world kicking my butt? Is it weakness? Was God punishing me? I am now disabled but yet with God on my side I feel stronger even compared to my prime. I thought my prime was after high school and in my early twenties, when I was naive and reckless. I can't say that I believe that now. After hearing the sermon of last week things are up. I look back at my struggle and see it as just a fly buzzing in my face. I follow God and just when I thought my faith had plateau, I heard this message and feel rejuvenated.
The sermon talked about the "craziness" when JOhn the Baptist got decapetated. JUst when you thought the bible was simpler times you hear this message and realize the world will always be messed up.
Certain things at this moment do not matter to me. I have often talked about the media on this blog. I often thought about chirsitan right wing nut jobs who have probably turned alot of people who I care about away from God. I often do my best to understand science. I think we can't answer every question out there or even understand why things are the way that they are. Right now, at this moment, I value my relationship with Jesus, and based on what he has done in my life bringing me from homelessness to a comfy one bedroom apartment I know he is there. I am not rich, I am not famous, and my writing is seen by very few people. I couldn't be happier. I wasn't like this in my so called prime.

THe article is going to go all over the place. I am going to ask some questions that I can answer for myself but you will have to answer for yourself.
With the separation of party lines and the election coming up, One side is going to be unsatisfied. THis is obvious. I think it is becoming more intense with our differences. Right now I am imagining what if we had a civil and different regions branched off of what we now know as the UNited States of America. Imagine if the U.S. become two countries. One a conservative state and the other a liberal state. I have been in both extremes and I can't help but think that both will be opressive.
Around a conserative group of friends, they don't like Obama, they don't believe in gay marriage, and they are pro-life. I can't say I belong in this group.
Yet in the liberal group, my christianity is dismissed, and I can't say if I know rather or not if they love this country.
Both sides can admit that this country has flaws. How we solve them can be botched up by what media outlet you decide to listen to.
I think both sides want to help the American people, and cut spending. Again, however, how we do this is among our differences.
I've looked at my firends on facebook post and all I can say is wow. Wow for a number of reasons. On one hand they all believe America needs should come first, but when it comes to social issues or how you are going to live you life they are different.
Naively I wish we could have one political party that can be opened to all of our demands. I also think that if we had one political party that would end up being similar to a dictatorship.
Man, this is tough. I can't help but being cinical about both political parties.
Politicans lie, and the media does and says anything to get viewers.
BY saying all of this I can't help but feel A) Ignorant like everybody is B) think about what Jesus said were the two most important commandments. ONe, LOve God above all other things. Two, LOve you neighbor like you love yourself. Where do you stand? What is going to become of America? Do you think Fox News and Msnbc are there just to make money?

off the top of my head

stars shine
faces of the fallen
memorial in the sky
bleeding no more
tears fall for those
left behind
stare down
as we stare up
unable to count them all
smile up
as they shine back down
from miles away
lovers lost can feel
the touch on the cheek
from a cool breeze
friends crack open a beer
and toast
the fallen in the sky
sip on moon dreams
and rounded planet martinis
eclipsing the sun
while they keep an eye out
on us all

Spirituality Freewrite

Personally I think we all have some cert of mental defect. It is just rather or not you have to take medication for it. Things will be okay, but for the most part I think we need help from time to time. HOw many times have you met someone who seems like nothing is working for them?
I posted an article pretty much saying that we are predisposed to being spiritual. My question is who put it there?
I personally believe in God and I've seen the change. JUst because you ask Jesus in doesn't mean everything will be okay. LIfe happens.
I am at a point in my life where I want answers. As I was growing up in Roanoke, my firends were succeeding. THey were working and getting good grades in school. I on the other hand was getting fired and passing classes with maybe C's or maybe dropping the class. But my firends were there at the time.
I have just recently taken then psycological test about personality disorders. Had taken the test then I am sure it would have had different results. I haven't turned in the test yet.
I heard the sermon from last week from my church. It talked about sin. Specifically the crazy guy in shakles who was possed by demons. I am sure you know how the story goes.
THe speaker mentioned how sin can make you go down a labrinyth of depression loneliness and what not. Some of you have been there, and some of you are going through that now. The speaker also said it okay to ask for help rather is praying or seeking counseling. All of this can be a pritvate matter. OBviously, I have close friends on hear and you have read my rants and raves.
I get a level and clear head on days like this because of ther sermon, listening to K-love, and reading the bible.
You will be satisfied just ask for help.